My apologies for the lack of update recently, no it wasn't because our neighbour found out we've been using their internet for free or anything, I'm proud to announce our very own has been set up and is up and running perfectly well :)
It's the lack of inspiration. No thoughts, no urge, no desire to blog. I guess this blog has turned into a sorta place of refuge; a place where I turn to when I just wanna pour my heart out, a place where I turn my thoughts into something a bit more concrete, a bit more structured and well placed. And it's always, more often than not, it's when I have an overwhelming sense of emotions that I blog.
So I suppose you can sense this is gonna be a very melancholy/sombre post and you shouldn't read on if you do not want to be dragged into my sense of helplessness.
Lately has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One day, I feel great, I'm loving life, the other days, I'm bitter, sullen and disgruntled. Take yesterday for eg., I was having such a great day at work, my colleagues are such great people, the weather's lovely and when I got home, I got to chat with all 3 of my best friends from high school, this does not happen often at all and we even made plans to go backpacking in Europe end of the year ! I miss them dearly ! All the reminiscence and just talking crap is soo much fun :)
But then later on, I was overcame with this bout of emotions that I so constantly try to suppress.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?? When do I stop giving myself excuses? When will I dare to take that leap of faith? When do I let passion and desire overcome logic and reasoning? I've been telling quite a number of people lately of my future plans for fear that if I stop mentioning it, I'll just remain the way that I am. There's completely nothing wrong with what I'm doing now. It's the most reasonable, safe and right thing to do (Apply for PR, get my CA first, earn some cash, appease my parents but at the same time, I've put myself into this position where I'm helpless and simply cannot reject what's in front of me) and all the while, I'm longing for that sense of adventure, ''It was waking up to an adventure everyday rather than a chore". Well, some people might think, oh so you just wanna have fun la? How can? You need to be realistic, where got so much $? But it's the sense of experiencing something totally foreign, totally unaccounted for previously, waking up to a new life, new country, new self, that you begin to see yourself for who you are.
I long for the day I'll be able to do that; to see the world, to soak in all of its wonders.
I long for Africa. I long for the day I actually make lil changes. It is all too typical to link Africa with poverty, corruption, violation of human rights, despotism, all things bad and evil that years of aid and advocacy hasn't seen much return at all but there's something about that land which mystifies me. I long for the day that I'll be able to tell a true story of the beautiful country.
On the more practical side, I have no experience in social development whatsoever, the closest is when I did Foreign Aid under Economics in SAM and Economic Devt in uni so I can be completely delusional when I think that I can actually do this. So what do I do now? Do I stick with what I'm doing and continue on with ma 3 year plan and pray hard that Oaktree will accept me as a volunteer in the meanwhile? Blah..What else can I do ?
I need to go to yoga, it's turned to sorta like a drug for me. I need to clear my thoughts and focus on what I need to do now rather than pine and whine about what I truly want to do.
To Jeannie : Thanks for layaning my bouts of homesickness ! Tung Tung Tung Chiang reflects more than just the CNY spirit now, it'll always remind me of you :p Lol..
To YC : I am so proud of how you've grown and matured into this fine young beautiful woman, sure of what you want to do and daring to put it all out to achieve what you want ! You will achieve so much for Aiesec Spore !
And lastly, to my dear Heidi : Thanks for being that endless source of inspiration, to put that hope there ! Can't wait til you're back and hear all about your adventures :)
And thanks for everyone who read til here ! I hope in 3 years time, there'll be no more excuses, no more doubts ! And to those brave souls who dares live their dreams, life is truly too short....
It's the lack of inspiration. No thoughts, no urge, no desire to blog. I guess this blog has turned into a sorta place of refuge; a place where I turn to when I just wanna pour my heart out, a place where I turn my thoughts into something a bit more concrete, a bit more structured and well placed. And it's always, more often than not, it's when I have an overwhelming sense of emotions that I blog.
So I suppose you can sense this is gonna be a very melancholy/sombre post and you shouldn't read on if you do not want to be dragged into my sense of helplessness.
Lately has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One day, I feel great, I'm loving life, the other days, I'm bitter, sullen and disgruntled. Take yesterday for eg., I was having such a great day at work, my colleagues are such great people, the weather's lovely and when I got home, I got to chat with all 3 of my best friends from high school, this does not happen often at all and we even made plans to go backpacking in Europe end of the year ! I miss them dearly ! All the reminiscence and just talking crap is soo much fun :)
But then later on, I was overcame with this bout of emotions that I so constantly try to suppress.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?? When do I stop giving myself excuses? When will I dare to take that leap of faith? When do I let passion and desire overcome logic and reasoning? I've been telling quite a number of people lately of my future plans for fear that if I stop mentioning it, I'll just remain the way that I am. There's completely nothing wrong with what I'm doing now. It's the most reasonable, safe and right thing to do (Apply for PR, get my CA first, earn some cash, appease my parents but at the same time, I've put myself into this position where I'm helpless and simply cannot reject what's in front of me) and all the while, I'm longing for that sense of adventure, ''It was waking up to an adventure everyday rather than a chore". Well, some people might think, oh so you just wanna have fun la? How can? You need to be realistic, where got so much $? But it's the sense of experiencing something totally foreign, totally unaccounted for previously, waking up to a new life, new country, new self, that you begin to see yourself for who you are.
I long for the day I'll be able to do that; to see the world, to soak in all of its wonders.
I long for Africa. I long for the day I actually make lil changes. It is all too typical to link Africa with poverty, corruption, violation of human rights, despotism, all things bad and evil that years of aid and advocacy hasn't seen much return at all but there's something about that land which mystifies me. I long for the day that I'll be able to tell a true story of the beautiful country.
On the more practical side, I have no experience in social development whatsoever, the closest is when I did Foreign Aid under Economics in SAM and Economic Devt in uni so I can be completely delusional when I think that I can actually do this. So what do I do now? Do I stick with what I'm doing and continue on with ma 3 year plan and pray hard that Oaktree will accept me as a volunteer in the meanwhile? Blah..What else can I do ?
I need to go to yoga, it's turned to sorta like a drug for me. I need to clear my thoughts and focus on what I need to do now rather than pine and whine about what I truly want to do.
To Jeannie : Thanks for layaning my bouts of homesickness ! Tung Tung Tung Chiang reflects more than just the CNY spirit now, it'll always remind me of you :p Lol..
To YC : I am so proud of how you've grown and matured into this fine young beautiful woman, sure of what you want to do and daring to put it all out to achieve what you want ! You will achieve so much for Aiesec Spore !
And lastly, to my dear Heidi : Thanks for being that endless source of inspiration, to put that hope there ! Can't wait til you're back and hear all about your adventures :)
And thanks for everyone who read til here ! I hope in 3 years time, there'll be no more excuses, no more doubts ! And to those brave souls who dares live their dreams, life is truly too short....
"When ppl don't have the will to bring about change, something in them dies"
Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy
4 comments:
waaaah..
inspirational lah.
(dong dong dong chiang makes me think of you too!)
*sigh* i think it's one of those questions that us 20 somethings grapple with.
How can i make my life meaningful and are we all condemned to the same old rat race? i completely understand the desire to jump out there and go get it (sometimes i wonder why i don't just up and go right now!) but i think it takes so much courage and conviction!
and money!
but i guess we are still young and we still have time. good to make all the promises with your friends to do something, then someone else holds you accountable!
and yeah, if you can earn your own then you don't have to justify it to your parents either.
hehe... *HuGz* mood swings everywhere... me too! maybe rat year better for us lah! miss u!
oh well..all of us have that hidden dream inside us..that hidden passion but i guess sometimes we have to think of how to survive first. im sure one day we will be able to live our passion..and our dreams..we just have to work towards it. that makes life more challenging and interesting. plus we are still young..we still have time in our hands.
i agree with damien.. i await for good news from you three years from now yea.. im very excited for you already.. hehe.. hy says, "babe,im in africa now!!" :)))))
hugs and kisses,
yc
i have faith in you babe! i know you will make it there someday!.. u just gotta believe in yourself and nothing will be able to shake your plans and dreams away from you :)
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